1 AM Thoughts

I’m feeling lost and confused about my life right now. The people I love don’t take me seriously, and those who love me, I don’t love them back. I have trust and commitment issues, and there are very few people I call friends—and even then, I don’t fully trust them. Forming and maintaining friendships, especially with women, is even more challenging for me. I often feel like nobody truly cares about me. This isn’t just a hormonal issue; it’s my reality.

I’m a sad, lonely woman in her twenties with no boyfriend. It’s 1:08 AM as I write this, and I feel deeply unhappy. This problem has been around for a long time, but it’s worse now than ever before. I frequently fall into bouts of depression, and I feel like no one cares.

There’s a boy I like—let’s call him P. We’re seeing each other, but it’s undefined,(well the way he wants it) and he’s leaving my location by the end of the month. I suspect he has other girls; I overheard a woman speaking to him on the phone at night, and it seemed like she was staying over. She might be his ex, as he’s been talking to her a lot recently. I know we’re not serious, but can’t men just commit to one woman?

The most painful part is my feelings towards another guy—let’s call him A—who recently told me he loves me. He was ready to make me his official girlfriend and treat me like a princess, but I just couldn’t reciprocate his feelings. There was no connection on my part, so I had to tell him we couldn’t date. I feel terrible about it. It wouldn’t be fair to treat someone like that without genuinely loving them.

I feel horrible about my love life. The ones I like don’t like me or aren’t serious, and the ones who like me aren’t my type. I’ve tried to like them back, but nothing works. This makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me. I deserve love, care, and happiness. I deserve a man who loves me, and whom I love in return. It’s not fair that I’m hurt, sad, and lonely. I really hope to find my person soon.

I can’t even see a therapist because I can’t find anyone I trust. I get depressed often, feel weak, have trust issues, and hide myself in the shadows. I really hope I’ll be fine. The other day, I felt suicidal and wished for death, but I don’t want to die because it would be too traumatic for my parents.

Maybe I’m a bad person, maybe I can’t be okay, maybe I need to become a villain, or invest my time in something unconventional. Maybe I need to toughen up, accept my situation, and keep living in the shadows. There’s nothing special about me. Aside from my parents and siblings, no one cares. I’ve struggled all my life, avoiding relationships and friendships to avoid heartbreaks.

Some people say I give off an “I don’t care” vibe, but is that really true? I act defensive, but I deeply want to experience love and care from someone other than my family. I feel like I have no impact or fun in my life. I’m just plain Jane—no aura, weirdly different, and very odd. I’m insecure about my body, with my small boobs and a belly that won’t stay flat despite my efforts at the gym. The more I work out, the more weight I seem to gain. I only lose weight when I eat once a day for days or weeks, and when I stop, I gain it back quickly or get seriously sick. People have shamed me for my looks, especially since I used to be thin and am now on the chubby side.

The only thing I might be grateful for is my face; at least I’ve never been called ugly. Maybe I need to toughen up and focus on myself, but I don’t know how to do that anymore. I feel like the real me is yearning for human relationships now. Sigh.

Note: I’ve written this in my notepad over a month now, just had the time to post it…..and yes, i am done with my university degree program, so there is plenty of time for me to write here more often.

Anyways…love y’all.